The Funny Scale

Everyone in my family is extremely competitive (this includes the kids and husband).  We don’t really have to win anything, we just need to win.  There is rarely a monetary value exchanged or goods traded during a bet.  We just want to win the bet.  If there is no actual bet, we have the need and urge to be right and be the best. 

So, one day, as I can only assume was a pretty slow day, everyone in the family was rated on a 1 – 10 scale on how funny they are.  This rating was a group effort (son, daughter, son-in-law, husband and me).  Now, we only did this to see who the funniest person in the family is, (keeping in line with our need to be the best).  I will say that some pretty funny stuff comes out of our families’ mouth (some socially acceptable, some not, but all usually pretty funny).  So based on the committee below are the rankings:

Son                      10.0         He is pretty funny and does come up with some hysterical stuff
Husband (Luv)   9.0           Pretty funny also but more funny if you are not married to him!
Son-in-law          9.0           You have to have a sense of humor to stay in this family
Daughter            8.5          She has a great sense of humor and usually laughs at almost everything including Luv’s stupid jokes
Me                         7.5          Yep, I am the least funny person in my family.  What the @#@$%%^

First, I gave birth to two of those people on the list; how they could rate their mother LAST, I have no idea.  I should get some points for not killing them while raising them.  I had to have a sense of humor just for that alone.

Second, my son-in-law tried to come to my rescue when I objected, but it was too little, too late.  But I appreciated the effort.

Third, my HUSBAND, really what was he thinking.  He was actually the leader of that little bandwagon.   You would think, just for self-preservation, he would not rate me LAST!  You can tell, not a big thinker at that moment.

So, here is my conclusion, on our Funny Scale. 
·         Where do my children think they got their ‘funny’ from?  I am sure Luv had something to do with their sense of humor, but I had to be there somewhere.
·         I didn’t even rank in the 8’s…..So based on our scale I am barely funny!
·         I am not a huge fan of the Funny Scale.

Here is the drawback to having a Funny Scale in your family.  If you attempt to say something humorous, you now get……’that is why he is a 10.  He is funny’ or when I try, I get……’Ah that is why you are a 7.5’.   Not appreciating the Funny Scale!

Fall is Here

Well, it is fall.  The trees are changing colors (as much as they can in Texas). 

 

 

This is just FUNNY!  I just love laughing at my dogs.  How pissed does he look!

 

 

Thanksgiving

Well another Thanksgiving come and gone.  This is one of my favorite holidays.  Why do you ask yourself.  I get to cook my heart out and eat, eat and eat, which is one of my favorite hobbies. 

So this year, my new recipes I tried was Graham Crackers.  Well, they turned out pretty good, if I don't say so myself.

Yep, that is homemade marshmallow also.

I also tried Popovers, which I learned is the American version of Yorkshire Pudding (which I have tried and failed miserably).  They were also good.  My Luv, now wants them for every Thanksgiving and our English part of the family, did think they were similar to Yorkshire Pudding.  I am not sure if he was just being nice (since I am his mother-in-law).

So after eating till we popped it was out to the park.  By the way, I, based on some weird age thing again, decided to do a cartwheel.  I did accomplish the task, (only 1) and pulled just about every muscle I have. 

Goose and Bear!

Luv........

 

 

 

Daddy.....

And Mom......

And this was fun.....

Lemons

I would like to take credit for the quality or quantity of lemons we have gotten off of 2 plants, but I can't.  We have had these plants for 3 years; the first year we got a quite a few lemons, then I trimmed them.  That was a big mistake because that year we got NONE.  This year, I didn't touch the trees and we have more lemons than I know what to do with.  So, the big question is what do I do this year to the plants.  They are out of control and need to be trimmed, but obviously I am not the person to do that.

This is only my latest picking.

Not only are there a lot of them, they are huge. That is a large grape next to the lemon.

Spiders and Mushrooms

This weekend was all about mowing and clearing out shrubs.  So, not much to write home about.

In one of my previous blogs, I spoke how every tree has thorns on our land.  Here is a great example.  I have never seen a tree like this one and check out those thorns.  I am not sure why a tree needs thorns.  Why do they need this defense mechanism?   Yes, my arms are all tore up again.  Thoses thorns did not stop me from chopping the whole $%#@ tree down.  Take that defense mechanism....

I did notice the spider count has gone up drastically.  There are spider webs everywhere. 

This picture show spiders who create their web on sticks that were coming out from the water.  It looks just hazy, but that is really spider webs.

This picture not so good but still nice web.

And here is a picture of a mushroom, kinda cute.

 



There was one change to the barn.  John hung the top cabinets.  As you can see, he is doing all the heavy lifting while I am taking pictures.  You would think I would put the camera down and help but .....nooooooo.  I just took pictures.

 

 

 

Shirtless

I have an issue with people not wearing their shirt!  Society has rules regarding wearing clothing and when did someone say it is OK to go without a shirt.  Recently, I have seen a rash of people (men and women) without shirts in public.  Just a quick note, so no one thinks I frequent questionable places, the women who I saw were wearing sports bars and working out. 

It has always been my understanding that in public, people should wear shirts, pants and shoes.  I am not sure what changed!

So I think we first need to define what 'public' means.  Maybe there is some confusion there...

First - If I can see you and I don't know you - that is public.
Second - If you can see me and you don't know me - that is public.

Either rule constitutes public....

I can’t tell you the number of people that I have seen that have no business not wearing a shirt.  I am really at a loose as to why those people would even want to expose themselves and others to their belly.  As you can see I do not call it their ‘abs’.  There is a huge difference between a belly and abs.  I have a belly and I keep it hidden! I can also appreciate those people who are working out (without a shirt) trying to get abs BUT until you get abs put the dang shirt on.

I do know there are some exceptions to this rule and I have listed them below:

Shirts do not need to be worn if:

1.     Participating in water activities (pool, lake, ocean)

2.     You have a 6 pack or you have abs and participating in physical activity

 

Now I know number 2 can be subjective, but when you really think about it, you better have great abs to go shirtless. 

 Here is a list of places I have seen people without their shirt:

1.     Walking down the road.  Yes, I know it is hot – put the dang shirt on.

2.     Running.  I refer to exception #2 if you have a belly.

3.     Walking into the grocery store.  This is just a BIG yuk!  Even with abs put your dang shirt on!

4.     Mowing the grass.  Fine – front yard shirt – back yard no shirt (see I can compromise.)

5.     Washing their car.  This is NOT a water activity.

 

And just another random note – have you ever noticed that the people you WANT to see without their shirt NEVER take it off.

Pretty Pictures

Last weekend we did nothing except cleanup and brush clearing.  So I thought I would just post a lot of pretty pictures.

Getting Old Part 2

I have decided that there are not just 10 things that suck about getting old, so I am going to continue my list as they come to me.  But based on my memory issues, I may have problems blogging about them.

11.        Where the hell do wrinkly knees come from?   How does that really occur, is that symptomatic of my thighs migrating down to my knees.  WOW, who knew?  This is not something my mother told me would happen to me.  And by the way, John (my beloved) made sure I knew HE did not have wrinkly knees.  Of course, he was lying down at the time.  And I will say my body looks much better lying down.  Everything spreads out and looks less, what’s the word….., ugly.  Yep that is it, ugly.

More Painting

Not much to say about this weekend, except more paining and it rained.  Always, a god send!

The Beast

Based on the title, no one would assume I am going to blog about mammograms, but I am, so if you feel you may be offended by me discussing the 'girls', I would stop reading now.  This medical test annoys me greatly.  I just want to know who invented the machine that I affectionately call 'the beast'.  All I can say about it, is that a MAN invented the stupid thing.  Not just any man, but a sadistic, SOB, with a small 'mind'.

Only a man would say; yearly every woman should go and place their 'girls' between two plates of steel while a vise grip squeezes them until they are flat as a pancake.  And oh yeah, by the way, we may not be able to detect your breast cancer, but you still need to do it because it is the best we got.

For those of you who have never been, you first walk into a room where the beast lives and with a x-ray technician, who would scare me in a normal situation, but next to the beast they are just frightening.  They always (at least everyone that I have had) look like they could beat up most of the men I know.  So, this is the person, who is going to 'man handle' YOU.  Yep, this is the person who is going to grab, push and maneuver my girls more than any husband I have ever had.  At least it is a woman (I think).

Then she proceeds to twist you into a pretzel shape.  First, you stand in front of the beast, and she says, put your right arm, over your head but hand towards your back, put your left arm behind your back, place your right foot in front of the left foot, move your shoulder forward.  OK, if that is not bad enough she then grabs your right girl (as if she owns it) and maneuvers it onto a steel plate that is about 30 degrees.  Then because the sadistic SOB who invented the beast, says you must put the top plate over her, the technican starts to lower it.  Once you think it can't get it any lower, she says, OK I am going to start lowering the top plate.  REALLY.  Yep, while you are standing there like a pretzel, trying not to move and you haven't breathed in a couple of minutes (at least since she grabbed you), then she starts to lower it.  And about the time you are about to scream, she stops and says in the most pleasant voice, 'OK, don't breath or move!'  At this point, I have crocodile tears in my eyes and the only thing that makes me not cry is my pride.  After the picture is taken, and she releases the vise grip, I wipe away the tear and she smiles and says OK the other SIDE!  And she proceeds to do the another side.

Once the whole humiliating experience is over, she says, let me make sure the pictures are Ok and we don't have to do again.  Well, there is NO WAY in hell, I am doing that again.  And it may take me another 5 years to get up the nerve to do it again.

I ask myself every year, 'Why haven't they come up with a better way.'  There must be a conspiracy is all I can think of. 

You don't ever see a medical test that is as evasive as those that we women must go through. 

I would love to see the beast used to detected testicular cancer.   But I don't see any man willing to put his boys onto a steel plate and have the crap squeezed out of them.  So why do we!  All I can imagine is that we have a genetic flaw.

Some may say this is totally inappropriate, but I think it needs to be said!

Getting Old

As many of you are aware, I am turning 50 in the next few weeks, and to say the least, I am not very happy about it.  The only good thing, is that my sisters are OLDER than me (ha ha).  When I turned 30, I was OK, when I turned 40, I was OK, but 50....sucks!  Here is why!

1.  If it doesn't hurt, it is stiff and sore.  Between my knees and shoulder hurting, and my hip being sore, it is just hard to move around.  WHY do you ask.  I asked the doctor the same question and he said well it is just because you are getting older and things wear out.  As you can imagine I am not going to that doctor any more (the SOB).  Even if it is true, a little bed side manner is required.

2.  Why is everything on my body 1 - 3 inches lower than it should be.  Why at 50 do things just go south.  It is bad enough that stuff hurts, but when stuff starts moving to the floor, that just pisses me off.  It hurts just to write about the 'girls' (so I am not)....that one has to be the worst. 

3.  Where my memory has gone is a mystery.   The only funny thing about it is that I cannot remember what I forgot!

4.  The only good thing about not being able to remember, is that you forget the things you can't see.  When I turned 40, I needed reading classes, now, I need reading classes ALONG with glasses just to see in general. 

5.  My daughter has turned 30.  Yep, I am old enough to have a child who is 30.  But she will always be my 'baby girl'.

6.  When your son says, 'you are to old to do that'.....yep, that hurts.

7.  Almost everyone I work with is old enough to be my child.  They all seem to be in their 20s and early 30s.  Why, oh why is the world so cruel.

8.  When the doctor says, 'it is time for a colonoscopy.  I told John we should do it together.  Nothing like dual colonscopies to make a couple close.  He said NO! 

9.  I am now officially closer to death than birth.  You can't double your age and think you will still be alive.  Pleasant thought isn't it!

10.  Trying to figure out when I will go through menopause.  Yeah, hot flashes, mood swings, weight gain....yep that sounds like A LOT of fun.

I could go on and on but I am already crying.

Painting

This weekend was very productive.  John worked on finishing out the siding on the barn.  I painted, and painted, and painted.  And the weather was beautiful, 60's in the day 40's a night.  A far cry from the 100 degree days....

6 Year Old Birthday Party

Tasha is the only person I know who can throw a 6 Year Old Birthday party and adults and kids enjoy it equally. First the food is amazing for both kids and adults: fruits, vegetables, asparagus, cheese tray, salad, corn, chicken lettuce wraps, pigs in a blanket, mac and cheese, french fries, just to name a few things. The decorations are the cutest....

Yep, Tasha made that movie sign....

 

 

Her party favors... 

 

Then the food....

 

Then the kids...this was not all of them, some did not want to be in the picture.

 

Just because he is cute!

Just because he is cute!

Just because he is cute!

Just because I can make fun of my dogs!  Yep that ear span is longer than he is tall.

 

 

Everything Including the Kitchen Sink

This weekend we actually got quite a bit done. First it RAINED last week!!!!  Yeah!    Any rain is good rain. I am hopeful we will get more this week.

So...if technology can't come to you, we must go to technology. We finally have Internet. Although it is satellite Internet, it still is pretty good and beggars can't be choosy. This installation was for me, John was also very happy, he got Direct TV. So now he can watch his football.

Can't wait to see who hits one of the satellites with the tractor!  Should be fun!

 

 

 Another big thing, John got some very needed shelves up.

  And then finally the kitchen sink.....

My contribution to this weekend was trimming trees. John said the cuts and scratches on me made me look like I had been in a car wreck. I believe every tree on our property has thorns.  Mesquite was my arch enemy this weekend; we went three good rounds and the damn trees won every time. It took John 20 minutes to put medicine on all the scraps and thorn punctures on my arms and legs. Yes, those damn thorns, got through my blue jeans and bit me.

Check out my pile of mesquite wood.  By the way, I am in love with chain saws.  There is nothing more fun that cutting stuff up with a chain saw.  John was not happy with me 'cutting shit up'.  I did have to give it to him, he let me play without much fuss.  I did acknowledge that it must be hard being married to me; his comment - 'hell yeah'.  I choose to take that as a compliment.  OK back to cutting shit up.  The excellent side effect of cutting stuff up, is that you get to burn it, which is also a blast for me.  That is for another weekend!

We had to take all three dogs to the farm this weekend, and we did have a miss adventure with Fred. John had to go to town, I was in the barn, after about 10 minutes after John left, I go outside with all the dogs, and Fred decides that he is going to catch John. Off, he goes. The first most amazing fact is that he RAN. Fred never runs, and not only did he run, but he went down the road about 1/2 mile before I could catch him. Nothing funnier than a woman chasing a basset hound down a dirt road and yes, I think I yelled the word 'Fred' no less than 50 times and yes, he ignored me each and every time and I am sure there was a smattering of curse words in there.  If he didn't lose John's scent, and have to stop and smell around, I am not sure I would have caught him. Wasn't great for my ego, 'being out run by a basset hound, damn'. OK, so once I caught him, he would not walk back to the house, nor would he allow me to lead him, so YES, I had to carry a 60lb, 4' long dog for 1/2 a mile. Not sure I am over that yet. Lesson, DO NOT let Fred out when John goes to town.

Dinner time for all!

Putting Down the Floor

This weekend was great.  The weather was beautiful.  It was only in the 80's during the day and 50's at night.  Such a drastic difference from the 100 degree days. 

We got the floor down.  The picture did not come out well, took with my phone.  Yep, we put down a wood floor.  We needed something that would be easy to clean because of all the dirt we drag in (no grout), easy to lay (that was my stipulation) and it looks great.  We were done by noon. 

At one point during the weekend, I was confused about something (I can't even remember what it was), but as I was explaining and talking to John about it, he looked at me with his condescending grin and said 'YOU ARE SO PRETTY'; like it is a good thing you are cute because you are lacking a few brain cells.  Has anyone ever done that to you, I would say not.  He thought he was being funny, and I will say, I took it better than most who know me would think. I was talking about something that I should have understood, obviously I was a having a brain freeze, but REALLY - YOU ARE SO PRETTY!  It is always nice to be appreciated; at least he didn't say - ARE YOU A NATURAL BLOND!  So during the day, he also started talking about something that he should have understood and known and I said - 'YOU ARE SO PRETTY' and I gave him my best smile.  Yep, pay backs are hell.

No Work!

This was our first weekend not to work!  It was family time and we had a blast.  The Stennings were brave enough to spend the weekend at the farm with us.  I say brave because it was slightly better than camping in a tent.  We just happen to sleep in a building with an AC (which all by itself is worth a lot).

We did however have a great time even with the 100 degree days.  The kids got to ride the tractor and four wheeler.  Their favorite was the four wheeler.   Oli seemed to love the great outdoors and spent a long time helping clean up the joint.  His passion was carrying wood to the burn pile.

It does appear that being around John (Papa) makes kids make funny faces.

You do know you are desperate to make your grandchildren happy when you agree to making roasted marshmallows for smores when at dark it is still 95 degrees.  So John got very creative.  This is the longest roasting marshmallows stick in history.  It was way to hot to get close to the fire, even within 5 feet would burn your eyebrows off.

Tasha then tried her hand.

Dad, the official marshmallow bag holder!  Everyone needs a job!



And here are my babies!

Mouth full of marshmallow!

Well there appears to be another SOB in the world.  Another dog has ended up on our door step.  We have named her Scruffy.  It has been said that on Craig's List, there is a posting that the farm is the place to drop your unwanted dogs. (haha)  All joking aside, I am becoming very disappointed in the human race, 2 dogs, 2 months......REALLY PEOPLE!!!!